First Kiss

So, I have survived several phone calls, text messages, a few emails, and a couple of dates. But somewhere along the line that first kiss experience crops up and smacks you in the forehead. Usually, the “Walking faster than the date and jumping into the car before he gets there to only crack the driver’s side window” plan was working nicely for me. But at some point, the Saturn moons aligned with Mercury rising, and I got caught up in a conversation and ended up leaning up against my car talking with Mr. Date.

My dear reader, this is where it became problematic, because I clearly remember being a good 4, 5 maybe 6 feet away from Dateman. OK, maybe it was only a foot or he has ginormous rubber stretching arms, but somehow I was pulled towards him. Where was my can of mace? I have a red belt in Tae Kwon-Do. “Break his arm. Kick him in the privates,” said my brain. Nothing…I was being sucked into the Vortex.

The whole kiss thing started off rather enjoyable, nice soft lips, not too spitty, no tonsil checking, no smashing of teeth, no burping, and I didn’t feel like he was eating my face. Perfect! Then at some point my brain kicked into a major panic attack. “What are you doing? Don’t just stand there like a zombie, do something,” said brain. So my body responded in kind, and I put my hand up to the back of his head. “Nice move, Hot Lips” says brain. “But you have your car keys in your hand. I think you just stabbed him in the back of the head.” At this point, I completely panicked. “Shut down all systems before she becomes a homicidal manic,” shouts brain. So being ever so obedient, my body did a complete system shut down.

This is where the word awkward is appropriate; apparently Mr. Date didn’t get the shut down notice. So for 4 or 5 seconds which seemed like 10 hours, I stood there like a coma patient during the Gay Pride parade in San Francisco. Well, thank God, the kiss ended, and I was over that major disaster. Yeah, good luck with that thought. If I thought the first kiss was awkward, well, the after the first kiss dialog is enough to make Ghengis Kong wet his pants with nervousness.

I smiled nicely, and he said something which for the life of me I cannot remember because I think I went momentarily deaf. At some point, he said he would call me the next day. “Now is your chance,” said brain. “Say one of those smart, but sexy phrases we practiced earlier just incase this would happen.” Tick, tick, tick…”SAY SOMETHING,” brain screamed at me. Which I felt was very rude considering the complete system shut down command he had just given; now he wants me to speak. So in a small squeaky voice, I mutter the words “Thank you.”

“Get the hell out of there,” brain commands. I concurred and jumped into my car, and got the hell out of Dodge.
“Thank you? What the hell was that?”
“You said to say something, so I did.”
“We had practiced saying something sexy or sensuously funny. You could have said ‘That was nice’ or just did some kind of sexy ummm noise. But no, you respond as if you were returning books back to the library.”
“Well, at least he knows I am polite. I am such a loser,” I thought to myself as I banged my head against the steering wheel.

So like any other female, I grabbed my cell phone and called a girlfriend. After the phone call ended, I was driving down the highway when a thought bolted through my brain. It is the kind of thought which makes the entire world seem like it has stopped while you ponder the adverse effects of the thought…Is this a good time to bring up I was on a 4 lane highway going 65 miles per hour? No. OK, forget I mentioned it. Continue with life altering thought…

“You were sucking on a Cherry flavored Halls before this whole kiss thing started. Where Is Your Halls?” brain demanded. I looked in the rear view mirror and checked my mouth. Nothing!
“Did you swallow it before you got into the car?” asked brain.
“I don’t know,” I responded
“Did you chew it up while you were walking towards the car?”
“I DON’T KNOW.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? Try to remember.”
“OMG, did I give him my Halls in the middle of the kiss?”
“What! How could you do that?”
“You ordered a system shut down remember. I could have given him my social security number, my first born child, and the location of my secret chocolate stash.”
“Well Dategirl, you are in quite a pickle. If you swapped spitted him your Halls, he’s not going to call you. What are you going to do?”
“I am going to buy 12 cats, the entire catalog of Harlequin romance novels, a 10 year supply of Godiva chocolates, and cry for the rest of my life.”
“You’re allergic to cats.”
“Crap! Can I become a nun if I have a 17 year old child? My life is ruined,” I thought as I drove home in complete silence even brain was quiet.


Epilogue:

Mr. Date did call me the next day, and before the posting of this blog entry, he has stated for the record that I did not swap slit him my Halls.