Good Housekeeping always has those articles about health and good living. Here is one I found entitled “Good Advice for Staying Centered, Coping and Living Fully.” It lists 6 simple ways to help reduce stress in anyone’s life. Let’s see if it will work for me.
At the beginning of the article, it says the first thing you need to do is define what the stress looks like in your life. For me, stress is 5’9” about 175 lbs with blond hair (what’s left of it), blue eyes with that ‘You turned out to be such a disappointment’ look in them. Once you have defined your stress, one needs to determine the best course of action for clearing the stress from one’s life. For me, this was accomplished in divorce court. However, this doesn’t work for crazy kid schedules, hectic jobs or shortage of cash for credit card debt that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. So what do the experts say?
1. Smooch Spontaneously: “A study of 2,000 couples showed that those who kissed only during lovemaking are eight times more likely to report suffering from stress and depression than those who frequently kiss on the spur of the moment.” Sweet! I like this study; however, Dateman lives 40 minutes from my house leaving the spontaneity out of any smooching plans that I might have. I tried kissing Mark Harmon during his NCIS reruns, but he never seems to kiss me back. Therefore, my only alternative is a 95 lb. Rhodesian ridgeback dog with toilet breath, and she is only too happy to slap her dog drool upon my face, which truly concerns me.
Calling Robert’s Rules of Order: Can we have a sidebar conversation? “This is not a meeting, and this certainly doesn’t qualify as a quorum because it is just you and me. Which technically, it is just you because I am just that nagging voice in your head,” said brain in his typical condescending voice.
“You just put my hand down! Control Freak”
Sidebar conversation:
Dateman doesn’t want to be called Dateman anymore because he has moved up the relationship latter and became boyfriend. To me, Dateman sounds more like a Marvel cartoon hero wearing tights and a cape while he is about to save the love of his life, Sweet Polly Purebred, from mortal danger because the bad guy, Dick Dastardly, has tied her to the train tracks, and the train is speeding towards her. However in my mind (which has been described as a mix can of nuts), the term boyfriend sounds more like the guy from 10th grade who may or may not meet you at the school dance. It all depends if he can get a ride from his older brother and passed his algebra II chapter test. Do you see my dilemma?
Therefore, here are some of the names I have come up with to elevate Dateman to a new alias. Send me a comment, and let me know if you think Dateman should get a new alias?
- Friend (which is how my aunt refers to him “How is Your Friend?” as she whispers the last two words as if he was a double agent of some kind, and the CIA and KGB are listening in on our phone conversation.)
- Marlboro man (given his propensity to chronicle the mid-western life style and to wear Wrangler jeans with boots)
- Magnum (since he kind of looks like Tom Selleck minus the Hawaiian shirt and those embarrassing short shorts)
- The Blade (defined as a dashing, swaggering, or jaunty young man. I love the word “jaunty” it reminds me of Gene Kelly and Cary Grant or Rock Hudson in those Doris Day movies. They were a dreamy movie couple. Weren’t they?)
- The Gaffer (meaning old man, and the term just cracks me up)
“Hey, can we get back to kissing?” demands brain
Most definitely, I would like to be kissing Dateman right now. Especially, if it is anything like the kissing scene from “Spiderman” where our hero is hanging upside down, Mary Jane peels back just enough of the Spidey mask to reveal his lips, and then they kiss and kiss and kiss. All of this is done while they are in an alleyway, and it is raining. “Good God, your libido is about to explode. Think of your Grandmother making you a cup of tea.”
“Lemon and sugar, Hey, I am so going to kick your butt!”
2. Put the kettle on: The University College of London (of course) noted that people who drank black tea 4 times a day for 6 weeks had lower levels of Cortisol after a stressful task. Cortisol? Isn’t that a pain medicine? “That cortisone, Einstein,” says brain, “I hear Paris Hilton has a brain vacancy maybe I can apply for that job?”
Now, don’t get me wrong I love a good cup of black tea especially Earl Grey or some Irish breakfast tea, but the only side effects I ever seem to get are yellow teeth and having to urinate 20 minutes after each cup. Maybe it is the act of getting up and walking away from the stress to relieve oneself from liquid waste; thus causing a reduction in stress levels. “Maybe it is the 4 oz. of whiskey you dump into each cup that gives you the ‘I just don’t give a shit’ attitude towards your life,” remarks brain.
“Tattletale!”
“So when you are in a drunken heap on the floor? Don’t you find that a bit stressful to explain?”
“No, I just say I am looking for a contact.”
“What about the snoring?”
“I can find my contact better if it is reverberating from the noise.”
“Oh Lord, I am trapped the head of a loony.”
3. Eat healthy: Having a balanced diet will maintain your daily intake of much needed vitamins and minerals. In turn, your body will respond in kind with much more energy and vitality. I was raised on this advice from my mother who stated “Only bad mothers serve their children frozen foods, and I love you. Here eat an apple”. She was the master of manipulation. If she tossed in a hug and kiss, she had you eating a pork chop, which has been fried for 10 minutes on each side until it resembles rawhide. Anyway. This is fine as long as you are under the age of 30, and before your body starts doing all kinds of really weird stuff with the food you eat. Lactose intolerant, allergic to this or that, acidy foods causing mouth ulcers, etc. The food group I am the most pissed at is the fiber group. Eat fiber so you won’t get colon cancer. Eat fiber so you’ll have healthy regular bowel movements, and you won’t be bloated or grumpy. Eat fiber to get rid of toe nail fungus or whatever. See here is the thing. Scientifically, fiber is the rough stuff that scrubs your colon so no nastiness remains and causes harm to one’s intestinal track thus polluting your body with unnecessary byproducts from the digestion process. Great. It’s a sucky job, but it needs to be done, right? I don’t know why corn chips don’t qualify as fiber. Have you ever accidentally swallowed large broken corn chip pieces? Those bastards are like little razor blades shredding the sides of your esophagus as they travel down to your stomach.
“Get to the point,” cries brain.
This fiber thing has one tremendous side effect, which is gas. I am not just talking about gas as a cute little toot that squeaks out of your butt every once in a while. I am talking about the smell of a decaying animal that seeps from one’s rectum at the most inappropriate moments in one’s life. Like while standing in line at one of those fashion boutiques, you know the one where you make 4 times more than the sales clerk, but for some reason, she is condescending and treats you like crap. Or when you are having a performance review with your boss, and there are only two of you in the room. That one really sucks. How about when you are out dancing with the girls, all of a sudden you realize you are the only one on the dance floor, and everyone is looking at you and whispering. This is the moment I visualize when my therapist asks “Have you ever wanted to die?”
As a side note: I did just finish a bag of Bar-b-q Fritos, and I only had a minor incident with one stabbing my tongue. Now I have to run 83 miles just to burn off the 300 calories and 29% grams of fat. Holy freaking cow!
“Hey, ADD girl, fiber remember?” screams brain.
“Yum, Fritos. Oh, fiber, yeah I’m done with that topic,” says me
4. Take the Cuddle Cure: Researchers at the UNC – Chapel Hill recently found that if Dateman was naked while wearing the Batman utility belt…”System overload, let’s get to work,” commands brain. Dategirl slowly closes her eyes as she lays her head on the desk. “Oh come on, she is drooling. This is sloppy work, people. Visual! I need a visual. Oh my, definitely keep the utility belt!”
