Joan Rivers used to politely ask “Can we talk?” as one of her tag lines during a stand-up comedy routine. I am not going to be polite…
“Girlfriend, sit the hell down; I need to tell you something.”
Since Breast Cancer Awareness month was October, let’s talk about your girls. Now, I am just going to come out and say it. I know I am a human being of the female persuasion, but I like boobs. Maybe it is because I have small ones and different size boobs seem to fascinate me. There are fat women with big or small breasts, and there are skinny women with big or small breasts. The intriguing part is how women treat their own mammary glands (because that what they are; mammary glands whose initial purpose is to feed babies).
Some ladies celebrate their hooters by putting those puppies right out there for all to see. Some ladies cover them up for various reasons. And some ladies just ignore the fact that they have boobies, and let them have free range around the front of their bodies. The rest of this blog is to the latter set of women.
Are your ta-tas are tickling your belly in any manner? Hoist up those puppies because it is GROSS!
The first modern bra was invented at the turn of the 20th century. There was no Victoria’s Secret store in the 1900’s so bras pretty much sucked, and to be truthful, they still suck. However, this is no excuse for letting your girls run about wildly as you go about your day. If you are under the age of 25 and have had no children, then great, wear your tightest t-shirt, and let those babies show all their perkiness to the world. Celebrate them, show them off. I will be happy to attend a party in the honor of your snappy, happy knockers. However, once you are over 25 or have had children, GET YOURSELF A DECENT BRA!
Now when I say ‘decent’, I don’t mean expensive. You can buy some excellent bras in Wal-mart. This is where the bitching starts…
· The elastic pinches my torso: Then either you have gained weight (go buy a bigger bra) or you bought a bra that was too small (go buy a bigger bra).
· The cups are too big/too small/ too itchy/ too see-through/ too hard/ too soft/ too pointy: This could go on for days, and when you talk bras with women, it does. Why did you buy it in the first place? You need to try on bras before you buy them.
· The straps dig into my shoulders: Loosen them; they are adjustable. If they keep digging into your shoulders, go buy a new bra.
· The straps always fall down: Tighten them; they are adjustable. If they keep falling down, go buy a new bra.
· Underwire bras hurt: Let me say this, and I want to make sure I am absolutely clear with my next point. STOP WHINING and SUCK IT UP! Because if I don't want to see your boobies dangling on your belly looking like tube socks, and I can pretty sure guess that your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse doesn't want to see them there either.
Here is the thing. The framework for any bra is fabric and elastic; guess what, they wear out with washing and general use. Bras are good for about a year if you have 3 or 4 of them; two years if you have 8 or 9 of them. Yupe! one year, so those of you who are wearing an 8 year old bra. Knock it off!
How do you buy a bra, you say? Well first, there are two sizes. The number (34, 36, 38) refers to the inches around your rib cage. The letter size (A, B, C) is the actual cup size of the boobs. These sizes are mutually exclusive. During your life time, you will gain and lose weight, so your boobs and chest will grow and shrink and usually not together. So, go celebrate your girls and buy yourself a bright pink bra with good support. The people looking at your breasts will thank you.
