Yes, I know your question. If you are the Xdaughter-in-law, why in the hell are you going to the “Monster-in-law’s” birthday party? Well, you see it goes something like this. My child wants nothing to do with their father or grandmother. But out of family obligation and general nagging on my part, the child will go visit with the grandmother once in a while and only if I go along. Why? Because I protect the child from the grandmother’s verbal flatulence.
Email starts now…
Tell Wendy, the Xhusband’s girlfriend, if she comes; I'll teach her survival skills on dealing with your mother, Margaret.
Things never to do...
1. Load the dishwasher. No one ever does it properly, even her own children that she trained to load the dishwasher, so don’t even bother.
2. Take the opposite side in politics. Not unless you really like to debate issues or just want to hear her explain how stupid you are (politely, of course).
3. Throw away food even if it has green mold on it.
a. Expiration dates are for the weak minded. No one is going to tell Margaret when her food has gone bad.
b. You are throwing money away when you throw food away. What the hell are you thinking!
4. Cook food using her pots and pans. Always bring a pre-made dish that can be thrown in the oven or just go out to dinner. No mess in the kitchen makes for a happy Margaret.
5. Never bring anything with coconut or even eat it in front of her. Her late husband and her son love it, but too bad. Get it at someone else's house.
6. If you bake or cook, don't make it fancy. She doesn't appreciate it, and you have just wasted money and given her an excuse to complain. Just remember, Swanson makes it so you don’t have to!
7. When buying gifts, just stick to gift certificates. She will be happy which in turn makes you happy. Unless of course you plan on buying her something that is very expensive. This also comes with a hook. It has to be what she deems is expensive. For example, the crystal Waterford clock Xhusband bought her for her birthday a few years back. It sits on the mantel to be shown off to friends. Buying her expensive soap, hand creams, chocolates, coffee is not a good idea; she places no importance on fine milled lavender soap imported from France. In her mind, Dove is a good soap, so why would you want to spend over a dollar for a bar of soap just to get clean.
Here are some basic rules for Wendy to follow...
Rule 1. Bring stuff to do. If she knits, reads, scrapbooks, sharpens knives or makes shrunken heads, tell her to bring a travel bag of her hobby. She may not need it, but just in case, she can pull it out and use it to not listen to Margaret, but still be polite and be in the same room.
Rule 2. Drink lots of water, so Wendy will have to get up and go to the bathroom frequently. If she doesn’t have to go to the bathroom, just use it as an excuse to take a break. While I am in the bathroom, I usually sing a happy song in my head, (That annoying song “Walkin’ on Sunshine” usually does the trick.) and I just generally remind myself that I am a good person, and Monster is the nutter. If this doesn’t work, I bang my head on the marble countertop until there is internal bleeding.
Rule 3. Practice meditation while Margaret is mindlessly talking about a recent story she read in her local paper. Pick a happy place in one’s mind and just go there. All the while nodding one’s head and saying things like "I agree, oh really, that's interesting". This is where I walk on the beach, go to Paris, design a garden, or stand in that pit in the basement of the “Silence of the Lambs” movie. It drones out Mother-in-law’s voice, and all Wendy will hear is 'blah, blah, blah..."
Rule 4-10. "On the Job Training" is needed depending on what is happening at the moment. (eating dinner, shopping, helping her around the house, driving, etc) Just have the general understanding that you are a mindless idiot. If you adopt this attitude, things will run smoothly and no one will get hurt.
The Last Resort Rule. Claim to have a headache and go take a nap. While in the guest room, Wendy will have to put the alarm clock from 1958 (I’m not kidding.) in the dresser drawer to help block out the constant buzzing noise from the clock. I usually line the drawer with the 5 year old magazines to make it more sound proof. As for the grandfather clock which chimes every fifteen minutes, it usually drives me insane. But if you are using the Last Resort Rule, you have already been driven to insanity by the mother-in-law, and at this point, the constant ringing of the chimes is a welcome relief where the pain of it all reminds you that you are still alive. This thought may or may not be a comfort. It depends on how many hours you have left in the mother-in-law’s house.
Regards,
Xwife
