Thoughts on Dating after 20 Years of Marriage

I don't think some of my dating plans are going to work out for me. Doing the bar scene is not an option. Problem #1: the bar scene doesn’t get going until 10:30 or 11:00 which is way past my bedtime. Problem #2: Girls must dress to impress which means their private parts are hanging out while guys wear long pants, sleeved shirts and maybe a jacket if they are really trying hard. Absolutely not fare and down right chilly during the winter months. Problem #3: The Pickup game. Oh, just shoot me. I would rather be back at a 7th grade dance standing on the girls side of a crate papered cafeteria staring at my shoes praying for a fast dance song to come over the AP system. Don’t get me wrong, I have fond memories from 7th grade (staring at John Marrow from across the classroom. Sorry, I’m back…). I am just guessing being drawn and quartered would be less painful.

The next plan was to become a lesbian. My girlfriend’s husband said he really liked women and would highly recommend them. So I considered my options. We would have the same parts, so that would be check in the Pro column (nothing new to learn). I know several lesbians, and they are all quite nice normal interesting people. Check in the Pro column. Many seem have hips the size of small canoes. Check in the Con column. Many seem to dress and cut their hair like men, so what would be the point. I might as well date a man. Don’t get me wrong, if Hiedi Klum or Sandra Bullock were to announce they were single and lesbians, Dude, I am there.

The trophy wife plan seems to have some problems associated with it right from the start. Most rich single men are usually enjoying their golden retirement years. While this may not have been a problem for Anna Nicole Smith, dating someone who could have been in the same Boy Scout troop as my dad seems a bit warped and creepy. While there are plenty of 20 something trust fund babies out there, they just don't seem to be hanging out at the garden store or taking book art classes. Besides if I thought dating someone my dad's age was weird, dating someone my son's age is just down right repulsive and skanky (now there is a word I have not used since the 10th grade). So that leaves me with the rich 40 year olds who just happen to be single, I think I might have better luck being labeled a virgin.